Well, I've resigned to the fact that I will only be able to update this blog once a week. It is just too difficult to do it more often than that, especially with George around. He knows how to turn off my laptop now, and it never fails that as soon as I try to do anything on it while he is awake, he plops down in my lap to distract me and pushes the power button. Oh well, I'll take that as a sign I need to spend the time he is awake with him, and not on the computer! Since George is with his dad tonight, I will take the time to actually write a blog post, and maybe even take some pictures of Avajar (if I can convince my butt to get off the couch, that is...)
I have been tossing around the subject of this post in my head for over a week. As I mentioned in my last couple posts, I recently went on a work trip to Chattanooga with my boss, his boss, and the plant manager of the power plant that where I work. It was a good trip, I learned a lot and I also got a big confidence boost in learning that my managers were happy with the job I was doing. The project that currently consumes most of my times involves writing a regulatory plan for some equipment that is being installed at the plant, which is completely separate from the area where I actually work. In a nutshell, I have spent the majority of my time the last few months in my office, on my computer, doing research, putting out bids for contractors, and sorting my way through mounds of paperwork, OSHA regulations, and documents left by my predecessors in order to build a comprehensive plan to maintain and run this equipment safely. For someone who came from a job that involved walking +/- 4 miles a day working on water treatment equipment, this job is a big change, and sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough sitting at my desk. It was nice to hear a "good job" from the people who rate my performance!
Anyways, the first day I was in Chattanooga, I was going through the attendee list included in the conference brochure, and out of the eight pages of names, I found maybe 8 or 9 total female names, including my own. Like I have also mentioned before, the utility business isn't overrun with girls, and I am OK with that. I have always been one of the guys; I have found most girls are too dramatic for my taste, and have had few close female friends in my life. Of those friends, I have not kept in touch with any of them, which is something I regret.
The second evening we were in Chattanooga, after all of the conference events were over for the day, the group from my work went out with our customer service manager and his wife for drinks at a local brewery. While we were there, the CSM's wife and I began talking. She said she was very happy to finally see a young, attractive female in my role at the company. She went on about how it was empowering and blah blah blah, but then said something that has bugged me ever since. Her comment was something along the lines of "I am so happy that you are doing what you're doing, but you need to dress the part of the 'powerful female.' You know, wear a pinstriped suit or something. Show that you're a female and you rule!" For this occasion, I was wearing jeans and a nice floral, what I would consider "dressy" shirt and boots. The men in my group were wearing polo's and either jeans or khakis. The CSM's wife was wearing a on-the-edge of being provocative dress and heels. Why in the heck am I sitting here recounting what everyone there was wearing???
Because her comment obviously has bugged me ever since. Because a part of me thinks it has an eentsy weensy little bit of truth to it. Because I already feel at a bit of a disadvantage being a girl in a man's world.
You see, I cannot stay at work all hours of the evening, especially with Jar being gone. I drop George off at daycare at 7am, by the time I pick him up around 4:30, he's been there almost nine and a half hours. NINE AND A HALF HOURS PEOPLE!! That's 9.5 hours he's with some strange people and strange kids, being bitten and pushed, or playing and learning (hopefully). If you can't tell, I feel a bit guilty about it. Compare this to the average Joe Schmoe who doesn't have to worry about picking junior up on time, much less about what to feed him or getting the laundry done when he gets home.
And another thing is, given the fact that I wear the same dress as the men at work, if you walked into a room and were faced with me and a male of the same age, who would look more intimidating? I guess some of that would depend on body language and non-verbal communication skills, but if you just had to go by me standing next to an average six foot tall dude, I'm guessing he would command more attention.
I keep coming up with all these reasons why I am not going to measure up to all the men that I work with. Please do not get me wrong, especially those of you reading this that I actually DO work with. I am not intimidated by my workplace environment. I feel as if I have just as good of, if not better, shot of succeeding as any man in my position. I am comfortable and happy where I am at, and will do well in my position.
But the comment that night dug up the remaining bits of insecurity I had floating around on the inside, and coupled with the stress I was under for various reasons, forced me to deal with it.
You know what I decided? I have gotten where I am because of who I am. Not because I did (or did not) wear pinstripes. Not because I am intimidating. I will be the first to admit (and maybe I shouldn't) that I do not know it all, but I will also be the first to ask what the best way is to solve the problem. And I will be the first to come up with a solution.
Because I am good at what I do. Because I am smart, compassionate, and easy going but at the same time driven and competitive, and THAT is what makes me a powerful female. Not what clothes I wear on the outside. Not the fact that I am 5'3" and have a two year old that is more important to me than any job could ever be.
My attitude is my most important asset, it is what sets me apart from everyone else, and I am not going to change that. I am a good engineer and will only get better, whether I'm wearing pinstripes, a shaker dress, or a blue flying squirrel suit!
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