Hello, I'm a Cling-on!

Jar is currently at his MOB station in the US, which means he still has access to every means of communication we have here at home. Once he goes across the pond, all that will change though. Right now they are not sure exactly how they will communicate with home, if they will have internet service, etc. From what I have heard, the internet service over there is pretty shoddy anyways!

In order for us to prepare for that transition, he and I have been limiting how much we communicate with each other. We are currently trying to talk once a day before bed and text once in the morning and once in the afternoon.

To be completely honest, it had been driving me absolutely insane!!!

You see, I am what I would call a “clinger”, or as Jar likes to call it “Cling-on.” I’m the girl who dropped all her friends for some stupid guy in high school. I’m the one who would completely rearrange her schedule just so she could “accidentally” run into someone, the one who was maniacally texting every five minutes to see what they were doing, the one who freaked out when I didn’t get a prompt response. By the time I met Jar, I had no social life (unless you count a newborn as a social life), no friends, and the social skills of an awkward teenager. Picture it kind of like this:

Fast forward until now.
I am here, alone, a clinger without a cling-ee?

I stress out when Jar doesn’t respond now, because my brain tells me he is capable of responding, but doesn’t, which it somehow translates to him not wanting to talk to me, or he’s doing something he shouldn’t be, or blah blah blah, you get the picture. Even worse, I don’t have a lot of friends around to do things with to distract me from these thoughts, or to share my psychotic thoughts with to begin with! AAAGGGHHH!!! It’s horrifying, I know.

SO, in trying to curb my self-destructive thoughts, I have been attempting to find the root of my neediness. Why do I need to talk to Jar all freaking day long? Why did I segregate myself from the rest of the world when I was in relationships previously? Why am I so afraid of having friends? Why can’t I reach out to people like a normal person and go do normal people things?

I keep coming back to the same answer for all of these questions.

I have never felt good enough.

There, I said it. I am insecure. I am fearful. I have been hurt before. I have hurt people before and seen what I am capable of in my darkest hour, so what’s stopping anyone else from doing that to me?

Whew, that was a little deep there. And the last sentence kind of made it sound like I was a serial killer…

But in all honesty it is true, and I believe it is why God placed Jar in my life, and why this deployment is important (it still sucks but it is important). It forces me to step back, to give up my feeling of being in control of everything. It forces me to trust, to believe in what I cannot see. It is what I most fear but what I need most.

So now whenever I get the urge to pick up the phone just to see what Jar is doing, I don’t. Sometimes it stings a little, and the negative voice in the back of my head tries to chime in. But I’m getting better at not listening to it. And when Jar goes to the sandy crap-hole in the Middle East and I don’t get to talk to him for a while, I will be ok. Because I trust him, and because he believes in me.

And because I finally realized that I believe in me.

The Ribbon

SurREAL

Yesterday was D-Day. Deployment Day. Even though Jar had been active duty since Wednesday, he still got to come home and stay at night. Yesterday, though, he did not.

I luckily got to spend all day with him at his armory and at the going away ceremony. To be honest, I was quite proud of the way I held it together. Just a few rogue tears here and there, but no arduous sobbing. I saw all the people at the going away ceremony, and the looks of sadness on most of the faces in there was unlike anything I had ever seen. All the little tiny babies bouncing unaware in their daddies arms, all the hugely pregnant wives hugging their husbands for the last time for a long time, all the mothers kissing their "little boys" goodbye as they head off to war.

I even somehow managed to leave him on my second attempt, with no more than a handful of tears. I was doing well, cruising right along.

And then I got home. Even though I had George with me, the emptiness of home hit me with a force I was not expecting. Everything was as we left it early that morning, the piles of dirty laundry, dishes in the sink, AvaJar sitting on his little table in front of the window. All of Jar's things that he wouldn't be using, all of the things we did together that we wouldn't anymore. I was on the verge of losing my mind as I got ready for bed, the thought of sleeping in it alone was crushing my chest. I pulled back the covers, and lo and behold, there was one of Jar's grey t-shirts hidden in the blankets. If it had not been there, I am not sure if I would have made it through the night. So I lay in my big empty bed, wrapped up in a dirty t-shirt that still smelled like Jar.

This morning I got up and made my own coffee. I picked up Jar's dirty cloths off the floor and started the laundry. I got George juice and a banana. Life continued just like it did the day before, except for the feeling like a part of my heart is no longer there. Day by day it will get better, I know, and before I know it, the missing piece of my heart will return.

So you NAMED a TREE?

Well, the short answer is yes. We have named a tree. A Brazilian Raintree (pithecellobium tortum) to be exact. It is a 9 year old, 1 foot high bonsai tree that is going to be a little project of mine for the next year.

The short term focus of the project is for me not to kill said bonsai tree!

The long term focus is to take pictures and do funny things with the tree (AvaJar), and post them on here so Jar can see them and know we are thinking about him. For example: decorate Avajar in Red, White, and Blue for Independence Day. Put Christmas ornaments on it at Christmas time. Take it to a football game and take a picture (yes, I am talking about taking a tree to a football game). I have no idea how this will work out, but I am pretty sure those of you who had questions about my sanity will be able to make your mind up after reading this.

I think it will be a positive distraction for me, and will let me work on my fledgling photography hobby. Jar took to the idea a lot better than I thought he would (i.e. didn't mention committing me to a psychiatric unit when I told him what I was thinking about), and is all for it. He even picked out the tree and named it! George is just excited that we have a little tree.

And it is no coincidence that, though Avajar was ordered a week ago, it appeared on the day Jar went active duty?

In my defense, the idea came from this blog: www.waveatthebus.blogspot.com

Now I know they are taking pictures of a person every day, but still. Instead of tying a yellow ribbon around one of the trees in the front yard, or sticking a ribbon magnet on my car (thereby announcing to crooks and thieves that I am a female who is more than likely home alone in the process), I wanted to do something different. So we are gonna give it a whirl and see what happens. At worst, I will just be some crazy girl carrying around a tiny, potted tree. At best, we will have a project to commemorate making it through the hardest of times, something to look back and laugh about, something that will be forever immortalized on the Internet!

So join us, if you're so obliged. If you're not, at least keep your voices down and your pointing at a minimum when you see me, George, and Avajar on the street.

Introducing....

He's here! Introducing AvaJar!

Just get it over with.... And an intro

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.

-Winston Churchill

It’s Wednesday. As of 0800, Jar is officially on active duty (though he still may be able to come home at night until this weekend).

I am ready for him to leave.

Though saying that sounds absolutely crazy to me, it’s true in a way. I want to get this started and get out of this emotional pinwheel I’ve been on for what seems like forever. All this anxiety about him leaving, all the worry about how horrible it will be with him gone and to actually have to say goodbye; it’s probably worse than him actually going. I am psyching myself up for the awfulness, getting all worked up for nothing, and am sick of being sick over it!

It is also ironic that, as I sit writing how ready I am for him to leave, I am compulsively looking at my phone to see if he has found out if he will get to come home tonight…

Anyways, I had promised that this blog would not be a gloom and doom pity party, so I’d like to spend the rest of this entry introducing myself and my family. After all, if you are taking the time to read my complaints, you might as well know who I am complaining about!

First off, for now I am choosing to keep this blog semi-anonymous. I’m sure at some point I will mess up and let a name slide, but oh well. I also want to be somewhat vague about Jar’s deployment, just in case there are any wanna-be terrorists reading. May be a little bit paranoid, but you never know who might come across a random, public blog?

Here is what I will say:

Jar is a combat medic in the Army National Guard. When he is not doing Hooah-stuff, he works for a defense contractor. He and I grew up not far from each other, and may have even been on the same little league baseball team, though I can’t find photographic evidence of that. We were what I would call “acquaintances” in high school, and didn’t see each other for a long time after I graduated (yes, I am older than he is and he will not let me forget that, though it is only by six months!). We reconnected via good ol’ Facebook in the spring of 2009, and started dating in June of that year.

When we first began talking over the internet, I was probably 7 months pregnant and in the middle of a divorce. Not exactly what I would call prime girlfriend material. In fact, due to a succession of bad decisions on my part, my life at that time resembled a Jerry Springer episode.

The first time we went out was when my son, whom I will call George, was six weeks old. It wasn’t supposed to be a date, just two old friends meeting up for a drink, and an excuse to get me, as a new mom, out of the house! We ended up going to the glorious Frankfort Expo (known to some as the “Red-neck-spo”). At that point in time I had no intentions of dating anyone and was sure it would be years before any man would touch me with a ten foot pole, so imagine my surprise when I received a call back from him a few days later.

Fast forward two years, and here we are. Like peas and carrots, peanut butter and jelly. We just go together, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him in it. Jar was the first good decision I made in a long time, albeit a somewhat serendipitous one. Our relationship has never been what most consider conventional, but that is what makes it work. It is real, it is open; it encompasses both of our flaws and combines us into something greater overall. I am happy, and because I am happy, I can make my George happy.

So far, we have had a good year. We both got new, better jobs. We bought a house with a huge backyard for George, a man-cave/basement for Jar, and a kitchen that Martha Stewart would approve of. Now I just need to learn to cook and decorate…

Well, that is us in a nutshell. All except for one important player that will soon be a big contributor to this blog. No, Mom and Sister, I am not pregnant, don’t worry! You will see in a few days! Until then, keep us in your thoughts.

Frozen

I lay in bed this morning, after Jar and George had already gotten up. I could hear tiny high pitched cartoon voices floating down the hall from the tv, occasionally interrupted by Jar's deep voice or a squeak from George. After a few minutes, the relative quiet is broken by the clinking of a spoon stirring a coffee cup. He usually makes my coffee for me since he is usually up and gone long before I am functioning in the morning.

This is our last full day at home together.

I hear his footsteps coming down the hall, and he walks into the room, coffee in hand. He sits it on the bedside table, leans over and wraps me in a hug. I think he might have known what I was thinking.

I lay there a few more minutes, not sure if my body would be able to support me if I got out of bed. I feel like jello, and the sadness keeps hitting me in waves that resonate out from my chest and down my arms and legs like cold chills.

My pity party is short lived, as a little tow-head pops over the edge of the bed.

"Mommy, here your glasses!"

Time to get up and thaw out. As much as I wish I could, I can't freeze time. Today will go by way too fast, but hopefully so will the next year.

The Beginning

Did you know it's physically impossible to cry while you drink water? I have no scientific evidence of this, so I guess it might not be true for everyone, but in my case it works. Or maybe the thing that stops the crying is Jar forcing a bottle of water at me whenever he sees the slightest sign of tears, "Here drink this!!!", forcing me to giggle and fan myself and dry up those tears before they start. This scene has happened a lot this week. In fact, as I sit here typing this, I think I'm going to have to get myself a glass because I already feel the little boogers welling up behind my eyes and that stupid lump forming in the back of my throat...but I digress.

This is Jar's last week home, partial week actually, as he will be reporting to his station on Wednesday morning because the Army requires three full days to pack before going to training before going to deploy (One thing you will probably come to understand from this blog is that I don't understand much about the Army. Or cows for that matter, but I will save both of those rants for another time). He is out running errands right now, getting all the loose ends tied up, and I am at home. I was planning on cleaning this disgusting mess of a house, but once again that will wait. The cleaning has been on the back burner for at least a week, along with a lot of other things, because there are things that are more important I could be doing, like being clingy spending time with Jar! Since I am in full-on clinger mode, I almost cried when he left the house, thinking that by me not going with him I was wasting some of the precious last moments together, and etc., but once I thought about it, there is only so much bonding you can do at Wal-mart, the post office, and the Water Company.

So this is why I'm blogging. Jar leaves this week for 400 days. 400 DAYS!!! He will be training in the US for about a month, then heading to Iraq. He will get a 2 week leave at some point during those 400 days, and may not be in Iraq after the end of the year. That is what I know. Actually, that is all I know about this deployment.

This is the first time either of us have been through a deployment, so naturally there are a lot of unknowns. In my opinion, the unknowns are the hardest part. I imagine them as a bunch of pesky flies buzzing around my head at all times, kind of like that kid off of "Charlie Brown". Only instead of making a buzzing sound, they somehow say "What ifffff." When one gets too close to my ear, I am left with a resonating buzz of What if's floating around in the back of my mind.

"What if he decides he doesn't love me while he's gone?"

"What is something happens to him?"

"What if the man that I love isn't the same person that comes home?"

(Okay, time for a water break.)

Sounds like I need a flyswatter. Sounds like I need some friends. Sounds like I need a little faith. Sounds like I need to learn how to be independent, take care of a two year old, myself, our house, and somehow not starve over the next year.

It is a little overwhelming, but that is why I decided to do this. There will be more to come, not just a year of rants about missing my soldier, but hopefully an interesting project to occupy myself and to let him know that I am always thinking about him. I will explain more in a few days, along with more about myself and our family!