The Beginning

Did you know it's physically impossible to cry while you drink water? I have no scientific evidence of this, so I guess it might not be true for everyone, but in my case it works. Or maybe the thing that stops the crying is Jar forcing a bottle of water at me whenever he sees the slightest sign of tears, "Here drink this!!!", forcing me to giggle and fan myself and dry up those tears before they start. This scene has happened a lot this week. In fact, as I sit here typing this, I think I'm going to have to get myself a glass because I already feel the little boogers welling up behind my eyes and that stupid lump forming in the back of my throat...but I digress.

This is Jar's last week home, partial week actually, as he will be reporting to his station on Wednesday morning because the Army requires three full days to pack before going to training before going to deploy (One thing you will probably come to understand from this blog is that I don't understand much about the Army. Or cows for that matter, but I will save both of those rants for another time). He is out running errands right now, getting all the loose ends tied up, and I am at home. I was planning on cleaning this disgusting mess of a house, but once again that will wait. The cleaning has been on the back burner for at least a week, along with a lot of other things, because there are things that are more important I could be doing, like being clingy spending time with Jar! Since I am in full-on clinger mode, I almost cried when he left the house, thinking that by me not going with him I was wasting some of the precious last moments together, and etc., but once I thought about it, there is only so much bonding you can do at Wal-mart, the post office, and the Water Company.

So this is why I'm blogging. Jar leaves this week for 400 days. 400 DAYS!!! He will be training in the US for about a month, then heading to Iraq. He will get a 2 week leave at some point during those 400 days, and may not be in Iraq after the end of the year. That is what I know. Actually, that is all I know about this deployment.

This is the first time either of us have been through a deployment, so naturally there are a lot of unknowns. In my opinion, the unknowns are the hardest part. I imagine them as a bunch of pesky flies buzzing around my head at all times, kind of like that kid off of "Charlie Brown". Only instead of making a buzzing sound, they somehow say "What ifffff." When one gets too close to my ear, I am left with a resonating buzz of What if's floating around in the back of my mind.

"What if he decides he doesn't love me while he's gone?"

"What is something happens to him?"

"What if the man that I love isn't the same person that comes home?"

(Okay, time for a water break.)

Sounds like I need a flyswatter. Sounds like I need some friends. Sounds like I need a little faith. Sounds like I need to learn how to be independent, take care of a two year old, myself, our house, and somehow not starve over the next year.

It is a little overwhelming, but that is why I decided to do this. There will be more to come, not just a year of rants about missing my soldier, but hopefully an interesting project to occupy myself and to let him know that I am always thinking about him. I will explain more in a few days, along with more about myself and our family!