SurREAL

Yesterday was D-Day. Deployment Day. Even though Jar had been active duty since Wednesday, he still got to come home and stay at night. Yesterday, though, he did not.

I luckily got to spend all day with him at his armory and at the going away ceremony. To be honest, I was quite proud of the way I held it together. Just a few rogue tears here and there, but no arduous sobbing. I saw all the people at the going away ceremony, and the looks of sadness on most of the faces in there was unlike anything I had ever seen. All the little tiny babies bouncing unaware in their daddies arms, all the hugely pregnant wives hugging their husbands for the last time for a long time, all the mothers kissing their "little boys" goodbye as they head off to war.

I even somehow managed to leave him on my second attempt, with no more than a handful of tears. I was doing well, cruising right along.

And then I got home. Even though I had George with me, the emptiness of home hit me with a force I was not expecting. Everything was as we left it early that morning, the piles of dirty laundry, dishes in the sink, AvaJar sitting on his little table in front of the window. All of Jar's things that he wouldn't be using, all of the things we did together that we wouldn't anymore. I was on the verge of losing my mind as I got ready for bed, the thought of sleeping in it alone was crushing my chest. I pulled back the covers, and lo and behold, there was one of Jar's grey t-shirts hidden in the blankets. If it had not been there, I am not sure if I would have made it through the night. So I lay in my big empty bed, wrapped up in a dirty t-shirt that still smelled like Jar.

This morning I got up and made my own coffee. I picked up Jar's dirty cloths off the floor and started the laundry. I got George juice and a banana. Life continued just like it did the day before, except for the feeling like a part of my heart is no longer there. Day by day it will get better, I know, and before I know it, the missing piece of my heart will return.