Man, it's been forever since I've blogged! I promise I haven't forgotten or abandoned this whole blog thing. A lot has happened since the last time I was on here, and to be honest, writing down what I was feeling was not something I felt like doing. Because a lot of the time, I was feeling sick, crappy, angry, lonely, overwhelmed, slightly insane, or a mix of any of the above. It hasn't exactly been pretty. I had said that I didn't want this blog to be all "gloom and doom", and I'm pretty sure if you all had read everything I thought over the past month, you may have needed Prozac to recover from it.
The good news is, I'm still here. George is still here, and still happy, though he's had at least one ear infection, foot and mouth disease, and has to get ear tubes next month.
Jar, on the other hand, is not still "here". He has completed the journey to the sandbox, almost literally on the eve of the President announcing all the troops will be leaving the Iraqi sandbox by the end of the year. He is so far away from me physically that I cannot take a picture of a globe showing where each of us are at the same time.
But even though Jar is not "here" with us physically, he's still beside me. He's stayed there through my rants, through my anger that I indiscriminately directed at him, through my girly antics and my tears. I sometimes think I don't deserve a companion like him, he's pretty awesome if you ask me...
And like I've said before, this experience has been a learning opportunity for me, something I've needed for a while. I've started to take baby steps, started to realize that I am not the one fully in control of my life. For 28 years I've tried to hold the reigns, and kept wondering why I ended up running myself into the ground over and over again. This deployment experience in particular is one I have NO control over, and trying to let go of the need to feel like I have all the answers is not at all easy. So I've started small, trying to deal with the one thing I can control, the thoughts in my own head.
Philippians 4:8 says " 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Thinking lovely thoughts isn't as easy as it sounds, especially for someone like me. I sometimes feel like I am at war with my own insecurities, which makes dealing with Jar being in an actual war zone extra difficult. Negative thinking can be like a disease, it can metastasize uncontrollably and snowball out of control if left unchecked. But the cure is simple, and it resides in my own head and my own heart.
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